Saturday, April 30, 2011

It is already the last day of April. I don't know what to say for today. Except that sometimes life just stinks. But isn't that just the way it is? My brother is crying again, throwing another fit. I don't know what to do about it. He keeps telling us that we hate him or that we think he's evil or that we think he's the only one that suffers or something. I don't know. Life stinks sometimes, doesn't it? :(

Friday, April 29, 2011

Some Methods of Suicide

I have thought of many ways to die:

1) My most recent one has been mixing bleach and ammonia together. I saw it from a TV show and then did some research on it. Mixing these two chemicals will make other chemicals that are lethal to humans such as Chlorine gas (Cl2), Nitrogen Chloride (NCl3), and hydrazine (N2H4). This seems like a great way to die. I know that coughing, gagging, and being poisoned in the lungs isn't anyone's idea of having fun. But the thought of it as a way to die...I don't know...it just seems like an easy way out. I mean, something else is killing you for you; you aren't actually hurting yourself directly as you would when you cut or shoot yourself.

2) Jumping is another one of the ways that I have thought about. I have heard that the Golden Gate Bridge is a great place to kill yourself. Because of the height of the bridge from the water, merely the impact of water on your body would kill you. I also know that a lot of the bodies that have jumped off that bridge have also not been recovered. So that would leave you pretty much anonymous. Nobody would really know that it was you or that you were even gone, especially if you're new to the place. And it is almost a sure-fire way to die. Also, flying is one of the things I have always wanted to do. I know falling isn't exactly flying, but the exhileration and thrill would still be there. So dying doing something remotely close to what I've always wanted to do is another thing that attracts me about this method.

3) I have seriously considered hanging. One thing that I like about this method is that for one, it is relatively easy to do. You don't need to gain access to something huge like ammonia or the Golden Gate Bridge. All you need is something long and something with which to suspend your neck (it could be a tree, a closet, or even a doorknob). It is also a relatively painless death. You might be able to even die right away if you manage to break your neck when the rope catches you. I asked my one of my high school teachers how long it would take for one to die by hanging. She said that it would take about 10-15 minutes unless you break your neck because then it's instantaneous. I was actually excited to hear about that. I was excited to learn that it wouldn't take hours or days to die. Only 10-15 minutes...although 10-15 minutes may seem like an eternity if you're suspended on a rope. But it's a lot better than hours or days.

4) This is one that I have considered a long, LONG time...since I was in high school. I was on the Internet searching for suicide methods, and I came across trains. I learned that it minutes before death was instantaneous as well. I was excited because there were train tracks close to where I lived at the time. But my hope failed when I learned that the trains in Utah were built so that death was as unlikely to occur as possible if someone was in front of an oncoming train. But I also don't want anyone to feel directly responsible for my death.

Anyway, these are four of the most common types I have thought about. Peace!

Arenelda

Some Recent Thoughts

I know what I want to study: geography. Geography has everything that I'm interested all mixed into one thing! It has a lot of psychology by looking at cultures and religions of the world. It has environmental and atmostpheric science which can be mixed in with healthcare. It has geology when referring to physical geography. It has meteorology, which I am still very much interested in. It has natural disasters mixed in with it, and it also talks about people's responses to it and what is the best way to respond to them. It also talks about things like deforestation and water resources. I am excited. I would like to go to the University of Utah and specialize in hazards and disasters as well as environmental science. Geography is so cool! It is about how our natural world responds to the human world!

Also, my sister recently bought me a Nook. She bought one for herself too. In case you don't know what a Nook is, it is Barne's and Noble version of Kindle. It is a device that is specifically for Barnes and Noble Bookstores onto which one can buy e-books, or electronic books. I believe that most new books will be included as e-books because they are getting so popular. I bought a book called, "Why People Die by Suicide" which I already bought for my Kindle (I have a Kindle app from Amazon on my iPod). But I wanted to buy it for my Nook because it would be so much easier to read than on my little iPod. I have been reading this book. I have already made my conclusion a long time ago: unless I die from natural causes or an accident, I am going to die by suicide. I think about suicide all the time. Okay, I'm just exaggerating, but I truly believe that this is how I would die. I would not live to be 80 or anything. I feel that before I turn 50, I will die by suicide, unless something else gets me first. I don't know why I'm saying this, but this is true, and this is what has been on my mind lately. The book also talks about three things that would make one seriously suicidal: 1) suicidal people would sometimes rehearse a suicide in their head or physically, and thereby getting used to the pain and fear of the action until there is no pain or fear; 2) most suicidal people report feeling like a burden to others; 3) most suicidal people feel disconnected from others, feeling that no one understands or cares about them. Despite my knowing what I want to major in, though not exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life, I still feel like dying sometimes. I can't explain why. All I can say is that somehow, I still feel like a useless girl that is doing nothing to contribute to the world. Despite being in CNA training, I still feel this way.

I am not presently in school, and I am not really presently working. I guess that makes me feel useless. Perhaps I am useless.

I went to Temple Square this Tuesday. Although it is a safe place to be, I still felt afraid. I haven't been there in a long time, and I haven't been to church in a long time. I haven't even taken the sacrament in a long time. But I was at Temple Square, and as I entered, some memories filled my head. The memories of Isabelle (not her real name). If you don't know who she was, she was a young woman, about four years older than me, that I met on Facebook. I knew she was depressed because she was on that Facebook group that I made for depressed and suicidal LDS members. She soon added me to be her friend, and I accepted. I got to know her through Facebook and many of our chats on there as well as on Google. I never met her in real life, but somehow I felt like she was almost as close to me as my sister is.

Isabelle had recently been baptized and was suicidal because her mother and her mother's boyfriend disowned her. Her mother watched and laughed as her boyfriend beat her daughter. And I mean physically beat her, because they found out she became Mormon. Isabelle was a wreck. She moved to Utah and was a visitor often at Temple Square. She felt like a kindred spirit to me because the two of us have had similar experiences growing up. She grew up in an abusive home and was now suicidal. I grew up in an abusive home and was now suicidal too. So I wanted to be close to her, whether through Facebook or not.

Soon after her mother died in Washington D.C., she found that she had leukemia. I was shocked, and I wanted to be there for her. Some of her friends that she also met online made a "get well" group on Facebook for her, and I joined. I wrote messages to her constantly on her wall using my real name as well as Aren. After a few months, toward the end of her life, all my connections to her were cut off because she felt like I was stalking her. I don't blame her. I guess I would have felt the same way. But when I found out that she didn't want to talk to me anymore, or rather that her friends didn't want me to talk to her anymore since they were the ones that told me to never talk to her again, I felt like I had lost a soul mate. I felt as if I was truly a monster. At one point, my sister and I were planning on meeting her at Temple Square, but she never showed up because she ended up not being discharged from the hospital. She died soon after her 24th birthday, and I never got to say goodbye. I know that her friends hate me because, for one, this incident and their demands for me to never talk to her again, and for another, I had argued with them on another one of their groups on Facebook on the topic of homosexuality and the nature of it.

Sometimes I wish that I could see Isabelle. But I'm sure that she would never want to ever see me. This was one thing that has made me feel suicidal. I feel like I can never make a keep a close friend. I feel like everyone that I have told about my feelings will betray me by saying that it is really wicked of me for feeling this way and to talk about it, no less. Just like my mother. Just like the family I was staying with. Anyway, I guess the best way to get my feelings out is to write them out, and maybe read them out loud when no one's around. I think I dwell too much on these feelings. My bishop told me that, and I feel that it's true. But sometimes I feel comfortable dwelling on them. I have been sucked into these feelings for a long time that I feel like it is my home now. That I belong in them.

I haven't thought about Isabelle for a while. I haven't read the messages that her friends have given me for a while. Until recently. I feel like such a loser. I guess that IS what I am. Just a loser that doesn't deserve anything but darkness. I wish I could be a winner sometimes. I wish that someday I would be able to keep my dark feelings to myself so as not to feel betrayed by anyone to whom I come out and tell.

Anyway, I went to the North Visitor Center and went up to see the Christus. It is such a beautiful replica of the Savior. I wanted to be in there alone and just stare at the statue, but there were sister missionaries, and they approached me. I was still crying, and they wanted to know what was wrong. But I didn't tell them. I don't want to be a burden to yet two more individuals. So they just gave me words of comfort, but they kept saying, "I don't know what's going on, but..." I know that they were just trying to help, but they are better off not knowing a thing.

Sometimes I wish for a fresh start. I know it's impossible, though. Once I'm here, I'm here. There is no getting rid of me. Even if I do kill myself, I will still be plaguing everyone that's ever known me. I would leave them with guilt in their hearts. And I don't want that for any of them. I think that when I'm in a place where no one knows me, and I lose touch of most people that do, I can just pass obliviously away. That would be a peaceful day. That would make the world a little better. I hope that when that day comes, I will be ready, and so will the rest of the world.

Now I am glad that nobody knows my real name because if they do and they read this, I will be locked away in another hospital and become another helpless girl. I feel like I'm more helpful out of the hospital. So I am so glad not to be in one now.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Life Since the Hospital

As I think I mentioned earlier, I spent November and December in a psychiatric hospital, about a week for each month. Afterward, my sister and I spent about two months at a friends' house. They were so kind and generous to take us in, even with the children and numerous grandchildren that they had to take care of. Then we moved in with another family and rented their basement, and that's where we are now.

Anyway, I have recently started a new job as a sales rep for Vector Marketing, and we are marketing Cutco. But with a car and not many friends, it has been difficult to find people to do demos to and, with not much confidence, ten times harder to sell anything. I'm not sure if I want to continue this job. I have never been a sales rep before, and I really like the experience, but feeling that I need to constantly be on the go...I'm not sure if that's for me.

Well, I bought a book from a Barnes and Noble Bookstore called "Book in a Month." I know that I don't want to be a sales person the rest of my life. But if there's one thing I do know I want, it would be to write as many books as I can. Each book would have its own special meaning. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life, on the side, of course. But for a career...a career that I could actually make money in...I thought about nursing, teaching, and social work. But I am also interested in physical sciences such as physics (specifically astronomy), hydrology, geology, chemistry, and just a whole bunch of other stuff. I'm also interested in philosophy and humanities, although English is related to those two things. People tell me that I could choose two. But I don't know what I want the two to be.

Anyway, after these past few months, I feel like a loser. I'm not doing very well as a sales rep because I completely woke up at 9 this morning...too late to call in, and I have not scheduled any more demos yet. I'm not in school. The only thing I am doing is reading, walking, eating, sleeping, and watching videos on YouTube or on my sister's laptop. I'm not even in counseling right now, and I feel awkward talking about it with my bishop, so I try to avoid any private conversations with him. And I feel awkward talking to the secretary of the counselor, my other counselor, and the counselor herself, as well as the mother of the family we were staying with who was the one who recommended that counselor to me.

I just feel like a loser about everything.

Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. Well, I do think that I could, but only privately. I cry sometimes privately too. When my sister's at work, I would sit in my room and just cry. Sometimes I feel better after that, other times I feel the same, and other times I feel worse.

Well, the only thing I know that I want to do for sure is become an author. Now people might tell me that I should just study English, but I'm interested in many other things too. I don't know what to do now.

Anyway, enough with my ranting.

Arenelda