College to Prove Something

Sorry for not posting in such a long time. I was thinking lately about college and why I decided to go. I will confess a sin that I made a long time ago. I was 9 years old when I took some of my mother's old checks and used them to order books through those book orders. I hid what I had done and told my parents that I was just such a great student that my teacher wanted to give me those books for free. When my parents found out, they were both angry, though my mother showed it more than my father did. My teacher was angry too, and he had a whole class meeting on check writing (he didn't tell anyone it was me, but some of the other kids had already guessed). He was one of the worst teachers I've had just because I made a mistake, an honest mistake (I thought that checks were actually free money, but I had a bad feeling about it, so I lied).

My parents were never big into college. I know that many of you are thinking, "But they're Asian! All Asians demand the best out of their children." This isn't true; it's just a stereotype. I guess that's how most Asian parents are, but not mine. My parents were angry that I wanted to go. They even told me that I wasn't allowed to apply for FAFSA (I need my parents' permission to apply for it because I don't know their social security numbers). In fact, I didn't even think I could go, no matter how much I wanted to, until my older sister started going. My mother made her work for her without pay her first year out of high school. But after a year, my sister enrolled in the local community college. Two years later, I enrolled in the same college, and I do not regret it.

I was thinking of all the things that have happened in my life, all the things that had made me feel powerless, and not able to take control of my own life, specifically my parents. I understand their protectiveness (and un-protectiveness; when my mother found out that I had talked to my bishop, home teacher, and some social workers that my father had touched me, I was punished and made to recant the story). I understand everything about my mother...or maybe almost understand all of it. I never understood my father, though.

Anyway, despite all of the situations I was put in as a child, despite the abuse and the neglect, despite my sister's betrayal, despite my 4th grade teacher that didn't think I'd amount to much, I enrolled in college because I felt that I had more people's support than the people that didn't support me. I had something to prove...to them and to myself because I didn't think I'd amount to much either. Now let's see if that's true. I believe that if I believe in myself and try my best, I think that I can do something good in this world; I think that I can leave a great legacy. My first step is to write a book, something I had always wanted to do. I want to be known as a writer that wrote about humanity, about the lives of people, real or not. I want to write stories that touch people's lives, that make them think about themselves and their lifestyles, and help them change to the people they want to be. I believe writing is a very powerful tool, and I want to use it in order to prove to myself that I am good, that I can do great things, no matter how small I am.

Activism--Mostly

I don't know what this entry would be for, but I just feel like I need to say something on here.

Lately, I have been trying to decide which classse to take for the summer semester. I decided to take earth surface environments (GEOG 1000) and regional geography (GEOG 1300). Classes start today at 3pm (I will tell you all about them at the end of the day). I think that I'm learning more and more about our world by studying such topics as geography, psychology, and even writing. I'm learning about global issues as well as local issues. I'm learning about ways that I can help. I think that some of the issues in which I am especially interested are child abuse and domestic violence, local and global malnutrition (including unsanitary water), environmental issues such as water and air pollution, and other things. I have been trying to figure out what I want to study as a major in college. For a long time, I have been undecided. Some of the subjects I was thinking about are English, Philosophy and the Humanities, Geography, Geology, Psychology/Sociology/Social Work, Physics and Chemistry (because I find those things very facinating), Astronomy, Atmospheric Science, Environmental Science, Nursing, Respiratory Therapy, and Radiation Therapy. So as you can see, my interests span a wide variety of subjects including human studies, social science, and physical science.

For a long time, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I still don't know what I want to do! But I do know that I love physical and social sciences. Since Geography includes both of them, I've decided to go for a major in Geography. I want to be a human rights' and environmental activist. Some of the issues that excite me the most are child abuse and GLBT issues (I don't know how they can apply to geography), malnutrition, and water and air pollution. I will take two geography classes and find out more about some of the main global issues.

And get this! My sister is taking a writing class that is at the same time as my regional geography class, in the same building on the same floor, and she already has her class syllabus. One of her assignments is a group project with a world geography class on a global issue. I believe that this project is going to be with my regional geography class. I think that would be SO EXCITING!!!


For a long time, I haven't gone to church. Well, it was actually a week but feels like a really long time. I felt like I was becoming inactive. But this past Sunday, two days ago, I went to sacrament meeting. It was fast Sunday, so it was testimonies. I felt so great going there!

Despite my differences with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I am so glad to be a member of it. I truly believe that it is the only true church of God on the earth. I don't want to ever become inactive. True, I haven't gone to the temple or even taken the sacrament in a long time, but that would not stop me from falling away. I have a testimony of the Church, that it is true. I have felt it for myself. I am proud to be called Mormon, LDS, or whatever else we may call it! The Atonement in this Church is very real. I can feel it every time I go to church, read the scriptures, and pray. The Spirit is very real.

I know of many activists in this Church that feel like they cannot stand up for what they believe in while at church and in front of members of their wards and stakes. I think this is very wrong. I don't feel like I can either. Why is this? Why does it feel like the members of our wards would look down on us if we talked about issues pertaining to our world? Many activists that I know of used to be members of the Church but are now inactive because they don't feel like they can be themselves in it. However, despite this fact, I truly believe in the Church.

I was talking to the wife of one of the members of my bishopric. We will call her Diana. We were talking about gay rights. This is a very controversial subject in this church, and most "strong" members don't agree with the notion of "gay rights" in the world. During the October fast Sunday in my old ward, after President Packer gave his talk, many members of the ward were saying that their testimonies were strengthened after hearing Packer's talk. They were saying how increasingly evil our world is becoming because of all the "gays running around looking for agency." They didn't say this directly, but I knew that that was what they meant. I tried not to show any emotion, since I was sitting in the front as the chorister. A member of the bishopric stood to end the meeting and said that there was room in the Church for people who struggled with SSA. I knew then that perhaps he had dealt with this issue before in a more Christlike way unlike the people that said that it was the gays that were making the world more wicked. So later I talked to him about gay marriage, and he told me that his wife, Diana, was definitely for it.

So I talked to her about it one day. She said, almost in a whisper, that she didn't feel that she could talk about it in church since it was like a forbidden topic among members. I said that I believed that there were more people than we knew that believed the way we believed but were also afraid to say anything about it. I think it is a shame that the church that emphasizes in love has members (probably 90% of them) that doesn't like talking about loving people. I think I've talked about it before, but one of my visiting teachers was saying that she was so tired of seeing gay people everywhere, that she wanted it to stop. Now she is married to a man that she loves. I love her so much, but I didn't love how she was talking about social issues. I mean, racism, sexism, ageism, discrimination against the disabled and people in different religions...these are topics that are safe to talk about in church. We are free to say that discrimination against race, gender, age, disability, and religion is wrong. However, we are not free to say that discrimination against homosexuality is wrong. I mean, of course we are FREE to say it, but we can't say it without getting stares of unbelief from half of the people we talk to unless we KNEW they felt the same way.

Anyway, thinking about this, I think I'm being discriminatory against them too. Against the people that have different values and ideas that I do. Wow. Everything is complicated.

I was also thinking about what was said in the scriptures. I was reading in the end of the book of Alma about the king-men and the free-men. One thing I don't like about this story is that Moroni, Pahoran, and other "righteous" leaders threaten to kill everyone who wouldn't agree with their opinion (that the country not be ruled by a king). It even says that everyone was happy that the king-men were killed. Just because they wouldn't agree with their point of view. Isn't that the same as the people we call "wicked"? There are many stories in the scriptures that talk about righteous leaders that would not dare to deny God even at the face of being murdered. It talks about how those leaders were killed but were with their God in peace. But what about the people that believed differently? The king-men believed that they should be ruled by a king. The scriptures say that each of the king-men lusted for power. But how can they make such a generalization as that? There could be many things that drove them to the desire for a king. They stood up for what they believed in when they would not conform to the free-men's point of view. Then they were killed. The scriptures make it clear that they were wicked and deserved to die. But does their Heavenly Father truly believe in what the scriptures say? If so, then how can He be the Heavenly Father of our souls? This just doesn't make any sense!

I mean, I don't think of my father as wicked despite what he'd done to me and my family (although the thought to did cross my mind when I was younger). I knew he must have been disturbed, and there may have been things that have happened in his life to urge him to do such things. Likewise, there may have been things that have happened in each of the king-men's lives that urged them to want a king or to be a king.

Anyway, I guess this entry has mostly been about activism or something. So I guess I'll title it that.

Look to the Heavens

We're looking for Meaning. We're longing for Light. We're aimlessly dreaming somewhere out in the night. We look at each other, and we wonder who's right, pushing out our opinions, our gift wrapped and bright.

Feel the waves rising all around us! Oh, tell me where can we anchor the Soul? If we look to the Heavens, my Brother, one day we'll discover: We're closer to Truth than we know!

We're looking for Answers just about everywhere. But we stumble and stagger when we haven't a Prayer. So we look to the Heavens, and the Message is clear. The Picture is perfect when the Painter is near.

Feel the waves rising all around us! Oh, tell me where can we anchor the Soul? If we look to the Heavens, my Brother, one day we'll discover: We're closer to Truth than we know!

Greg Simpson

It is already the last day of April. I don't know what to say for today. Except that sometimes life just stinks. But isn't that just the way it is? My brother is crying again, throwing another fit. I don't know what to do about it. He keeps telling us that we hate him or that we think he's evil or that we think he's the only one that suffers or something. I don't know. Life stinks sometimes, doesn't it? :(

Some Methods of Suicide

I have thought of many ways to die:

1) My most recent one has been mixing bleach and ammonia together. I saw it from a TV show and then did some research on it. Mixing these two chemicals will make other chemicals that are lethal to humans such as Chlorine gas (Cl2), Nitrogen Chloride (NCl3), and hydrazine (N2H4). This seems like a great way to die. I know that coughing, gagging, and being poisoned in the lungs isn't anyone's idea of having fun. But the thought of it as a way to die...I don't know...it just seems like an easy way out. I mean, something else is killing you for you; you aren't actually hurting yourself directly as you would when you cut or shoot yourself.

2) Jumping is another one of the ways that I have thought about. I have heard that the Golden Gate Bridge is a great place to kill yourself. Because of the height of the bridge from the water, merely the impact of water on your body would kill you. I also know that a lot of the bodies that have jumped off that bridge have also not been recovered. So that would leave you pretty much anonymous. Nobody would really know that it was you or that you were even gone, especially if you're new to the place. And it is almost a sure-fire way to die. Also, flying is one of the things I have always wanted to do. I know falling isn't exactly flying, but the exhileration and thrill would still be there. So dying doing something remotely close to what I've always wanted to do is another thing that attracts me about this method.

3) I have seriously considered hanging. One thing that I like about this method is that for one, it is relatively easy to do. You don't need to gain access to something huge like ammonia or the Golden Gate Bridge. All you need is something long and something with which to suspend your neck (it could be a tree, a closet, or even a doorknob). It is also a relatively painless death. You might be able to even die right away if you manage to break your neck when the rope catches you. I asked my one of my high school teachers how long it would take for one to die by hanging. She said that it would take about 10-15 minutes unless you break your neck because then it's instantaneous. I was actually excited to hear about that. I was excited to learn that it wouldn't take hours or days to die. Only 10-15 minutes...although 10-15 minutes may seem like an eternity if you're suspended on a rope. But it's a lot better than hours or days.

4) This is one that I have considered a long, LONG time...since I was in high school. I was on the Internet searching for suicide methods, and I came across trains. I learned that it minutes before death was instantaneous as well. I was excited because there were train tracks close to where I lived at the time. But my hope failed when I learned that the trains in Utah were built so that death was as unlikely to occur as possible if someone was in front of an oncoming train. But I also don't want anyone to feel directly responsible for my death.

Anyway, these are four of the most common types I have thought about. Peace!

Arenelda

Some Recent Thoughts

I know what I want to study: geography. Geography has everything that I'm interested all mixed into one thing! It has a lot of psychology by looking at cultures and religions of the world. It has environmental and atmostpheric science which can be mixed in with healthcare. It has geology when referring to physical geography. It has meteorology, which I am still very much interested in. It has natural disasters mixed in with it, and it also talks about people's responses to it and what is the best way to respond to them. It also talks about things like deforestation and water resources. I am excited. I would like to go to the University of Utah and specialize in hazards and disasters as well as environmental science. Geography is so cool! It is about how our natural world responds to the human world!

Also, my sister recently bought me a Nook. She bought one for herself too. In case you don't know what a Nook is, it is Barne's and Noble version of Kindle. It is a device that is specifically for Barnes and Noble Bookstores onto which one can buy e-books, or electronic books. I believe that most new books will be included as e-books because they are getting so popular. I bought a book called, "Why People Die by Suicide" which I already bought for my Kindle (I have a Kindle app from Amazon on my iPod). But I wanted to buy it for my Nook because it would be so much easier to read than on my little iPod. I have been reading this book. I have already made my conclusion a long time ago: unless I die from natural causes or an accident, I am going to die by suicide. I think about suicide all the time. Okay, I'm just exaggerating, but I truly believe that this is how I would die. I would not live to be 80 or anything. I feel that before I turn 50, I will die by suicide, unless something else gets me first. I don't know why I'm saying this, but this is true, and this is what has been on my mind lately. The book also talks about three things that would make one seriously suicidal: 1) suicidal people would sometimes rehearse a suicide in their head or physically, and thereby getting used to the pain and fear of the action until there is no pain or fear; 2) most suicidal people report feeling like a burden to others; 3) most suicidal people feel disconnected from others, feeling that no one understands or cares about them. Despite my knowing what I want to major in, though not exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life, I still feel like dying sometimes. I can't explain why. All I can say is that somehow, I still feel like a useless girl that is doing nothing to contribute to the world. Despite being in CNA training, I still feel this way.

I am not presently in school, and I am not really presently working. I guess that makes me feel useless. Perhaps I am useless.

I went to Temple Square this Tuesday. Although it is a safe place to be, I still felt afraid. I haven't been there in a long time, and I haven't been to church in a long time. I haven't even taken the sacrament in a long time. But I was at Temple Square, and as I entered, some memories filled my head. The memories of Isabelle (not her real name). If you don't know who she was, she was a young woman, about four years older than me, that I met on Facebook. I knew she was depressed because she was on that Facebook group that I made for depressed and suicidal LDS members. She soon added me to be her friend, and I accepted. I got to know her through Facebook and many of our chats on there as well as on Google. I never met her in real life, but somehow I felt like she was almost as close to me as my sister is.

Isabelle had recently been baptized and was suicidal because her mother and her mother's boyfriend disowned her. Her mother watched and laughed as her boyfriend beat her daughter. And I mean physically beat her, because they found out she became Mormon. Isabelle was a wreck. She moved to Utah and was a visitor often at Temple Square. She felt like a kindred spirit to me because the two of us have had similar experiences growing up. She grew up in an abusive home and was now suicidal. I grew up in an abusive home and was now suicidal too. So I wanted to be close to her, whether through Facebook or not.

Soon after her mother died in Washington D.C., she found that she had leukemia. I was shocked, and I wanted to be there for her. Some of her friends that she also met online made a "get well" group on Facebook for her, and I joined. I wrote messages to her constantly on her wall using my real name as well as Aren. After a few months, toward the end of her life, all my connections to her were cut off because she felt like I was stalking her. I don't blame her. I guess I would have felt the same way. But when I found out that she didn't want to talk to me anymore, or rather that her friends didn't want me to talk to her anymore since they were the ones that told me to never talk to her again, I felt like I had lost a soul mate. I felt as if I was truly a monster. At one point, my sister and I were planning on meeting her at Temple Square, but she never showed up because she ended up not being discharged from the hospital. She died soon after her 24th birthday, and I never got to say goodbye. I know that her friends hate me because, for one, this incident and their demands for me to never talk to her again, and for another, I had argued with them on another one of their groups on Facebook on the topic of homosexuality and the nature of it.

Sometimes I wish that I could see Isabelle. But I'm sure that she would never want to ever see me. This was one thing that has made me feel suicidal. I feel like I can never make a keep a close friend. I feel like everyone that I have told about my feelings will betray me by saying that it is really wicked of me for feeling this way and to talk about it, no less. Just like my mother. Just like the family I was staying with. Anyway, I guess the best way to get my feelings out is to write them out, and maybe read them out loud when no one's around. I think I dwell too much on these feelings. My bishop told me that, and I feel that it's true. But sometimes I feel comfortable dwelling on them. I have been sucked into these feelings for a long time that I feel like it is my home now. That I belong in them.

I haven't thought about Isabelle for a while. I haven't read the messages that her friends have given me for a while. Until recently. I feel like such a loser. I guess that IS what I am. Just a loser that doesn't deserve anything but darkness. I wish I could be a winner sometimes. I wish that someday I would be able to keep my dark feelings to myself so as not to feel betrayed by anyone to whom I come out and tell.

Anyway, I went to the North Visitor Center and went up to see the Christus. It is such a beautiful replica of the Savior. I wanted to be in there alone and just stare at the statue, but there were sister missionaries, and they approached me. I was still crying, and they wanted to know what was wrong. But I didn't tell them. I don't want to be a burden to yet two more individuals. So they just gave me words of comfort, but they kept saying, "I don't know what's going on, but..." I know that they were just trying to help, but they are better off not knowing a thing.

Sometimes I wish for a fresh start. I know it's impossible, though. Once I'm here, I'm here. There is no getting rid of me. Even if I do kill myself, I will still be plaguing everyone that's ever known me. I would leave them with guilt in their hearts. And I don't want that for any of them. I think that when I'm in a place where no one knows me, and I lose touch of most people that do, I can just pass obliviously away. That would be a peaceful day. That would make the world a little better. I hope that when that day comes, I will be ready, and so will the rest of the world.

Now I am glad that nobody knows my real name because if they do and they read this, I will be locked away in another hospital and become another helpless girl. I feel like I'm more helpful out of the hospital. So I am so glad not to be in one now.

Life Since the Hospital

As I think I mentioned earlier, I spent November and December in a psychiatric hospital, about a week for each month. Afterward, my sister and I spent about two months at a friends' house. They were so kind and generous to take us in, even with the children and numerous grandchildren that they had to take care of. Then we moved in with another family and rented their basement, and that's where we are now.

Anyway, I have recently started a new job as a sales rep for Vector Marketing, and we are marketing Cutco. But with a car and not many friends, it has been difficult to find people to do demos to and, with not much confidence, ten times harder to sell anything. I'm not sure if I want to continue this job. I have never been a sales rep before, and I really like the experience, but feeling that I need to constantly be on the go...I'm not sure if that's for me.

Well, I bought a book from a Barnes and Noble Bookstore called "Book in a Month." I know that I don't want to be a sales person the rest of my life. But if there's one thing I do know I want, it would be to write as many books as I can. Each book would have its own special meaning. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life, on the side, of course. But for a career...a career that I could actually make money in...I thought about nursing, teaching, and social work. But I am also interested in physical sciences such as physics (specifically astronomy), hydrology, geology, chemistry, and just a whole bunch of other stuff. I'm also interested in philosophy and humanities, although English is related to those two things. People tell me that I could choose two. But I don't know what I want the two to be.

Anyway, after these past few months, I feel like a loser. I'm not doing very well as a sales rep because I completely woke up at 9 this morning...too late to call in, and I have not scheduled any more demos yet. I'm not in school. The only thing I am doing is reading, walking, eating, sleeping, and watching videos on YouTube or on my sister's laptop. I'm not even in counseling right now, and I feel awkward talking about it with my bishop, so I try to avoid any private conversations with him. And I feel awkward talking to the secretary of the counselor, my other counselor, and the counselor herself, as well as the mother of the family we were staying with who was the one who recommended that counselor to me.

I just feel like a loser about everything.

Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. Well, I do think that I could, but only privately. I cry sometimes privately too. When my sister's at work, I would sit in my room and just cry. Sometimes I feel better after that, other times I feel the same, and other times I feel worse.

Well, the only thing I know that I want to do for sure is become an author. Now people might tell me that I should just study English, but I'm interested in many other things too. I don't know what to do now.

Anyway, enough with my ranting.

Arenelda