Life Since the Hospital

As I think I mentioned earlier, I spent November and December in a psychiatric hospital, about a week for each month. Afterward, my sister and I spent about two months at a friends' house. They were so kind and generous to take us in, even with the children and numerous grandchildren that they had to take care of. Then we moved in with another family and rented their basement, and that's where we are now.

Anyway, I have recently started a new job as a sales rep for Vector Marketing, and we are marketing Cutco. But with a car and not many friends, it has been difficult to find people to do demos to and, with not much confidence, ten times harder to sell anything. I'm not sure if I want to continue this job. I have never been a sales rep before, and I really like the experience, but feeling that I need to constantly be on the go...I'm not sure if that's for me.

Well, I bought a book from a Barnes and Noble Bookstore called "Book in a Month." I know that I don't want to be a sales person the rest of my life. But if there's one thing I do know I want, it would be to write as many books as I can. Each book would have its own special meaning. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life, on the side, of course. But for a career...a career that I could actually make money in...I thought about nursing, teaching, and social work. But I am also interested in physical sciences such as physics (specifically astronomy), hydrology, geology, chemistry, and just a whole bunch of other stuff. I'm also interested in philosophy and humanities, although English is related to those two things. People tell me that I could choose two. But I don't know what I want the two to be.

Anyway, after these past few months, I feel like a loser. I'm not doing very well as a sales rep because I completely woke up at 9 this morning...too late to call in, and I have not scheduled any more demos yet. I'm not in school. The only thing I am doing is reading, walking, eating, sleeping, and watching videos on YouTube or on my sister's laptop. I'm not even in counseling right now, and I feel awkward talking about it with my bishop, so I try to avoid any private conversations with him. And I feel awkward talking to the secretary of the counselor, my other counselor, and the counselor herself, as well as the mother of the family we were staying with who was the one who recommended that counselor to me.

I just feel like a loser about everything.

Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. Well, I do think that I could, but only privately. I cry sometimes privately too. When my sister's at work, I would sit in my room and just cry. Sometimes I feel better after that, other times I feel the same, and other times I feel worse.

Well, the only thing I know that I want to do for sure is become an author. Now people might tell me that I should just study English, but I'm interested in many other things too. I don't know what to do now.

Anyway, enough with my ranting.

Arenelda