Friday, April 29, 2011

Some Recent Thoughts

I know what I want to study: geography. Geography has everything that I'm interested all mixed into one thing! It has a lot of psychology by looking at cultures and religions of the world. It has environmental and atmostpheric science which can be mixed in with healthcare. It has geology when referring to physical geography. It has meteorology, which I am still very much interested in. It has natural disasters mixed in with it, and it also talks about people's responses to it and what is the best way to respond to them. It also talks about things like deforestation and water resources. I am excited. I would like to go to the University of Utah and specialize in hazards and disasters as well as environmental science. Geography is so cool! It is about how our natural world responds to the human world!

Also, my sister recently bought me a Nook. She bought one for herself too. In case you don't know what a Nook is, it is Barne's and Noble version of Kindle. It is a device that is specifically for Barnes and Noble Bookstores onto which one can buy e-books, or electronic books. I believe that most new books will be included as e-books because they are getting so popular. I bought a book called, "Why People Die by Suicide" which I already bought for my Kindle (I have a Kindle app from Amazon on my iPod). But I wanted to buy it for my Nook because it would be so much easier to read than on my little iPod. I have been reading this book. I have already made my conclusion a long time ago: unless I die from natural causes or an accident, I am going to die by suicide. I think about suicide all the time. Okay, I'm just exaggerating, but I truly believe that this is how I would die. I would not live to be 80 or anything. I feel that before I turn 50, I will die by suicide, unless something else gets me first. I don't know why I'm saying this, but this is true, and this is what has been on my mind lately. The book also talks about three things that would make one seriously suicidal: 1) suicidal people would sometimes rehearse a suicide in their head or physically, and thereby getting used to the pain and fear of the action until there is no pain or fear; 2) most suicidal people report feeling like a burden to others; 3) most suicidal people feel disconnected from others, feeling that no one understands or cares about them. Despite my knowing what I want to major in, though not exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life, I still feel like dying sometimes. I can't explain why. All I can say is that somehow, I still feel like a useless girl that is doing nothing to contribute to the world. Despite being in CNA training, I still feel this way.

I am not presently in school, and I am not really presently working. I guess that makes me feel useless. Perhaps I am useless.

I went to Temple Square this Tuesday. Although it is a safe place to be, I still felt afraid. I haven't been there in a long time, and I haven't been to church in a long time. I haven't even taken the sacrament in a long time. But I was at Temple Square, and as I entered, some memories filled my head. The memories of Isabelle (not her real name). If you don't know who she was, she was a young woman, about four years older than me, that I met on Facebook. I knew she was depressed because she was on that Facebook group that I made for depressed and suicidal LDS members. She soon added me to be her friend, and I accepted. I got to know her through Facebook and many of our chats on there as well as on Google. I never met her in real life, but somehow I felt like she was almost as close to me as my sister is.

Isabelle had recently been baptized and was suicidal because her mother and her mother's boyfriend disowned her. Her mother watched and laughed as her boyfriend beat her daughter. And I mean physically beat her, because they found out she became Mormon. Isabelle was a wreck. She moved to Utah and was a visitor often at Temple Square. She felt like a kindred spirit to me because the two of us have had similar experiences growing up. She grew up in an abusive home and was now suicidal. I grew up in an abusive home and was now suicidal too. So I wanted to be close to her, whether through Facebook or not.

Soon after her mother died in Washington D.C., she found that she had leukemia. I was shocked, and I wanted to be there for her. Some of her friends that she also met online made a "get well" group on Facebook for her, and I joined. I wrote messages to her constantly on her wall using my real name as well as Aren. After a few months, toward the end of her life, all my connections to her were cut off because she felt like I was stalking her. I don't blame her. I guess I would have felt the same way. But when I found out that she didn't want to talk to me anymore, or rather that her friends didn't want me to talk to her anymore since they were the ones that told me to never talk to her again, I felt like I had lost a soul mate. I felt as if I was truly a monster. At one point, my sister and I were planning on meeting her at Temple Square, but she never showed up because she ended up not being discharged from the hospital. She died soon after her 24th birthday, and I never got to say goodbye. I know that her friends hate me because, for one, this incident and their demands for me to never talk to her again, and for another, I had argued with them on another one of their groups on Facebook on the topic of homosexuality and the nature of it.

Sometimes I wish that I could see Isabelle. But I'm sure that she would never want to ever see me. This was one thing that has made me feel suicidal. I feel like I can never make a keep a close friend. I feel like everyone that I have told about my feelings will betray me by saying that it is really wicked of me for feeling this way and to talk about it, no less. Just like my mother. Just like the family I was staying with. Anyway, I guess the best way to get my feelings out is to write them out, and maybe read them out loud when no one's around. I think I dwell too much on these feelings. My bishop told me that, and I feel that it's true. But sometimes I feel comfortable dwelling on them. I have been sucked into these feelings for a long time that I feel like it is my home now. That I belong in them.

I haven't thought about Isabelle for a while. I haven't read the messages that her friends have given me for a while. Until recently. I feel like such a loser. I guess that IS what I am. Just a loser that doesn't deserve anything but darkness. I wish I could be a winner sometimes. I wish that someday I would be able to keep my dark feelings to myself so as not to feel betrayed by anyone to whom I come out and tell.

Anyway, I went to the North Visitor Center and went up to see the Christus. It is such a beautiful replica of the Savior. I wanted to be in there alone and just stare at the statue, but there were sister missionaries, and they approached me. I was still crying, and they wanted to know what was wrong. But I didn't tell them. I don't want to be a burden to yet two more individuals. So they just gave me words of comfort, but they kept saying, "I don't know what's going on, but..." I know that they were just trying to help, but they are better off not knowing a thing.

Sometimes I wish for a fresh start. I know it's impossible, though. Once I'm here, I'm here. There is no getting rid of me. Even if I do kill myself, I will still be plaguing everyone that's ever known me. I would leave them with guilt in their hearts. And I don't want that for any of them. I think that when I'm in a place where no one knows me, and I lose touch of most people that do, I can just pass obliviously away. That would be a peaceful day. That would make the world a little better. I hope that when that day comes, I will be ready, and so will the rest of the world.

Now I am glad that nobody knows my real name because if they do and they read this, I will be locked away in another hospital and become another helpless girl. I feel like I'm more helpful out of the hospital. So I am so glad not to be in one now.

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